COPING WITH FAMILY CRISIS: VIOLENCE, ABUSE, SEPARATION, DIVORCE

COPING WITH FAMILY CRISIS: VIOLENCE, ABUSE, SEPARATION, DIVORCE

• Introduction

Coping with Family Crisis is a six-part video program that examines the effect of different crisis situations on the family and its members. By interviewing health care professionals from a variety of fields as well as individuals who have experienced the crises being explored, the program maintains a balance between a professional overview and first-person exposition.

“Survival Skills” is a general introduction to the themes of the program. It defines what a family is and how it responds to crisis situations. The five remaining videotapes each focus on a particular family problem: domestic violence; separation and divorce; addictions; financial distress and illness and death.

Included in the study guide are a series of discussion questions and activities, including several role-playing and creative writing exercises that enable students to personalize the factual content of the program. A bibliography of books relating to the topics under discussion is a useful research and reference guide. A special section lists community organizations and self-help groups to which students in crisis situations can turn. For many teenagers who find “their support structures are falling away,” this program provides a much needed tool for encouraging them to reflect on and talk about problems of a deeply personal and often traumatic nature. Care must be taken in approaching the discussion questions and related activities. Any student who appears uncomfortable should not be forced to participate, although it is important to stress that help is available, both in the school and throughout the community. According to mental health practitioners, “overall, teens’ problems are worsening.” Whatever positive reinforcement can be offered to students is an important first step in addressing this nationwide problem.

• Program Objectives

This program is designed to:

1) Define family crises and suggest strategies for dealing with them.

2) Present first-person accounts of children responding to their parents’ divorces.

3) Discuss the problem of domestic violence through interviews with women who have been abused by their husbands.

4) Analyze how the addiction of a family member affects the rest of the family and suggest counseling groups that can be of help in coping with the problem.

5) Describe how financial problems can undermine family stability.

6) Describe how adolescents respond to the death of a parent.

7) Present both professional and first-person responses to the various family crises discussed in the program.

• Where to Go For Help

Students can always turn to either their school guidance counselor or family clergy person for help in dealing with any family crisis. In addition, the following organizations and community counseling services can assist them. The phone numbers are listed in local telephone directories.

1) Drug Hotline 2) Alcoholics Anonymous 3) Al-Anon 4) Alateen 5) National Association for Children of Alcoholics 6) Community counseling services 7) Local mental health association 8) Suicide Hotline 9) The Salvation Army 10) County department of community mental health 11) Local hospitals (psychiatric counseling services) 12) Women’s shelter 13) Legal Aid Society

• Summary of Content

• Survival Skills

1) Defines the basic function of most families as producing, nurturing, and socializing the next generation.

2) Introduces Drew Goodman, who discusses his close relationship with his family.

3) Introduces Ann Kliman, from the Center for Preventive Psychiatry, who works with families in crisis. According to Ann, each family member must understand that he or she is entitled to react to the crisis in whatever way he or she needs to.

4) Introduces Paul Carberry, a teenager who feels that his parents’ divorce made him more independent.

5) Introduces Peter Pitzele, who is associated with Four Winds Hospital, a residential facility. Pitzele believes that families in crisis often pull away from each other and blame each other. Describes the kind of therapy Peter Pitzele offers, which encourages patients to get in touch with their past as a way of dealing with the future.

• Separation and Divorce

4) Presents statistics on the current divorce rate in the country: one in five children presently lives in a single-parent family.

5) Introduces teachers Ula Maiden and John Brogan, who discuss a course they designed on divorce and remarriage called “Who Gets Me for Christmas?” Ula believes that children lose their sense of security when their parents divorce; John finds the class is particularly important for the boys in the group as an outlet for their emotions.

6) Interviews several teens who have been involved in “Who Gets Me for Christmas?”:

Ted is angry with his mother and father who are getting a divorce.

Jennifer and Paul discuss their feelings about their home situation since their parents’ divorce some time ago.

Pam feels her parents’ divorce made her stronger.

Kristen explains the different reactions she and her siblings had to their parents’ divorce.

7) Presents John and Ula’s reactions to the interviews. They both feel that the children of divorced parents understand themselves better and are more aware of their feelings.

Violence and Abuse

1) Presents statistics that document the extent of domestic violence in our homes: one out of every twenty-six American women is abused by her husband or male companion.

2) Interviews Dr. Christine Masters, a psychologist and Project Director of Young Victims of Domestic Abuse who believes domestic violence hasn’t changed, but society’s views have.

3) Interviews “Sally,” who describes her life with an abusive husband and her decision to leave him and seek help.

4) Provides a demographic description of abusive men: 81% were beaten as children or observed violent behavior in their homes.

5) Presents Dr. Masters’ view that abusive men are not necessarily seriously emotionally disturbed, but are men who have grown up in situations where violence has been accepted. They are men with a poor self-image and a strong need to control.

6) Interviews Dave, a man who grew up in an abusive home and who abused his wife. Dave explains how, through counseling, he was able to transform his behavior.

7) Interviews “Barbara,” who describes her life with an abusive husband and the physical violence that prompted her to leave him.

8) Interviews Andrea, a woman who had been neglected as a child and who grew up to live in a relationship in which she was abused. Andrea describes her low self-esteem and the ways in which therapy has helped her.

9) Presents Dr. Masters’ view that physical violence in the home has an effect on all family members.

10) Discusses ways in which friends can help students who know violence or abuse in their own home.

Addictions

1) Interviews Jack Miller, the Senior Minister of the Mount Kisco Presbyterian Church, who works with many support groups for addicts and their families.

2) Interviews Rosemary, the child of alcoholic parents, who thinks that the system of denial is the strongest system in a family where one member is an addict.

3) Interviews Jeff, a young man who started drinking when he was twelve. Jeff discusses how a supportive family helped him during his crisis.

4) Examines the view that there is a genetic basis for alcoholism.

5) Interviews Ian, the son of an alcoholic, who began drinking in college and has since sought help for this problem.

6) Jack Miller suggests family support groups that can be vital in helping to keep a family together in the face of a member’s addiction.

7) Interviews Maura, who explains the “intervention” technique her family used to encourage her brother to seek help for his addiction.

8) Interviews Rosemary, who describes the support and strength she derived from her participation in the groups ALANON and Adult Children of Alcoholics.

Financial Distress

1) Discusses the often devastating effect that a financial crisis or a cycle of poverty can have on one family.

2) Interviews Lee Bass and his father Sam, who credit family support for helping them pull through a recent financial crisis that threatened the family oil field tool business.

3) Interviews Andrea, a young woman who talks about the emotional scars left by her family’s financial insecurity when she was younger.

4) Interviews Patsy, a single head of a household who has had to assume a new sense of self because of her financial responsibilities for her family; she talks about how her financial concerns have affected her sons and how she’s dealing with the present and the future.

5) Interviews Don who has worked to support himself through high school. Don reflects on his resentment and also on how he has learned to appreciate what he does have.

6) Interviews Eric and Ellen a couple with two children who discuss the effect of Eric’s unstable work situation has had on the family financially and emotionally.

Illness and Death

1) Interviews Drew, who was 14 when his mother was killed in a car accident. Drew describes the way her death affected him and his relationship with his father.

2) Interviews Arthur, Drew’s father, who adds his perspective.

3) Interviews school social worker Toni Nagel-Smith. Toni describes the dynamics of the support group she has organized for students who have lost parents within the last four years.

4) Interviews Liz, a member of Toni’s group, who lost both of her parents within four years and now lives with another family. Liz describes the difficulties of mourning her father and coping with her mother’s illness at the same time. Although she mourns the loss of her parents, she feels that the experience strengthened her and has made her face reality.

5) Interviews Adam and Stephanie, teenagers whose mother had breast cancer. They talk about their individual reactions to her illness: Adam did many of the household chords while Stephanie withdrew more from her home life.

6) Interviews Beth Evans, a grade school teacher, whose husband died when their daughter was five years old. Beth discusses how she sought professional assistance in order to better help her child deal with the loss.

7) Interviews Ann Kliman at the Center for Preventive Psychiatry, who talks about the work of mourning as the most difficult work that anyone has to do.

• Questions for Discussion and Review

Survival Skills

1) Drew Goodman defines his family as a “support group.” How would you define a family? Do you agree with the definition of a family as a group whose basic function is “to produce, nurture and socialize the next generation”? Explain your answer. What do you think of some of the alternative “families” in which members of a particular social group live together even though they are not related by blood or marriage? 2) Do you think a family crisis can have a positive effect on the family? Explain your answer.

3) Paul Carberry said that his parents’ divorce made him a lot more independent. Can you think of a family crisis that changed you? Explain your answer.

4) Peter Pitzele said that in a family crisis, people blame and contract from one another. Why do you think this happens? What steps can be taken to correct this problem?

5) If you knew of a family or a family member in crisis, what would you suggest that they do?

6) Ann Kliman, in talking about a person responding to a family crisis, said, “Ideally, the goal is to give up being a victim and become a survivor.” What do you think she meant by that? Do you agree or disagree with her? Can you think of times when you were the victim? The survivor? What happened?

Separation and Divorce

1) According to this program, “One in five children presently lives in a single-parent family.” What are the social consequences of this statistic? How do we redefine what we mean by “family”?

2) Do you think courses such as “Who Gets Me for Christmas?” are useful vehicles for helping children of divorce cope with their feelings? Why or why not?

3) Ted turns to his hobbies as a way of dealing with his feelings about his parents’ divorce. Have you ever been in a situation similar to his? How did you attempt to cope with your feelings? What would you suggest to other teenagers faced with a similar experience?

4) Ula says that in here course she tries to teach students to “trust their own judgment.” Why might this be a problem for teenagers whose parents are going through a divorce?

5) “Divorce kids are much more aware of their parents’ feelings…of their parents’ lives, their parents’ problems, their parents successes, their parents’ joys.” Do you agree or disagree? Explain your answer.

6) If your friend’s parents were recently divorced, how would you try to help him or her cope with the aftermath of the divorce?

Violence and Abuse

1) Is domestic violence a new problem? Explain your answer.

2) What are some of the ways our society has responded to the changing attitude toward domestic violence?

3) Why did Virginia finally decide to leave her abusive husband? How do you think her son was affected by the domestic violence he witnessed?

4) According to the this program, “For many people violent behavior seems to be a response to a sense of weakness, to a feeling that one’s life is out of control.” Do you agree or disagree? Support your answer.

5) Dr. Masters said that abusive men “are also victims of a way of interacting, of a way of growing up, of society in the past (that) has condoned and accepted domestic violence in a kind of everyday fashion as not a terrible thing.” Do you agree or disagree with this statement? Explain your answer.

6) Make a list of similarities in the life stories of the women who were involved with abusive men.

7) What can you do to help someone who has experienced a violent home life? How can you get help for yourself in this situation?

Financial Distress

1) According to this script, “What we do to make money gives us a sense of who we are; how we fit into the world.” Do you agree or disagree? Explain your answer.

2) How does an economic crisis affect a family in general?

3) How did Lee and Sam Bass respond to the financial crisis that threatened their family business?

4) What effect did Andrea’s financial instability as a child have on her when she grew up?

5) What changes has Patsy had to make in her own life since her divorce?

6) Describe how Don felt about growing up in an affluent community. At first Don resented his financial situation. In the months since then, how have his feelings matured?

7) In general, how would you describe Eric and Ellen’s reaction to their financial reversals? Has this attitude helped or hindered them? Explain your answer. Do you think their children will have the same emotional problems that Andrea did? Explain your answer.

Illness and Death

1) How did Drew respond to his mother’s death? How did it affect his relationship with his father?

2) Have you ever been in a support group for students dealing with common issues and problems like that described by Toni Nagel-Smith, a social worker? Did you benefit from the experience?

3) Do you agree or disagree with the view that in our society there is “less tolerance and understanding for the time it takes psychological injuries to heal”? Explain your answer.

4) How did Liz and her brother and sister react to the news of their mother’s terminal illness? What are some of the problems Liz has had to face since her mother’s death?

5) According to Toni, “I think the most important thing that kids need from adults, teachers and their friends, is some sense of respect that they can go beyond this crisis.” Why do you think this is so important? Explain your answer.

6) “The way to personal strength and growth seems to lead past talking about what has happened and acknowledging all the feelings triggered by the event.” Can you apply this statement to any events you’ve had to deal with in your personal life? Explain what happened.

7) Liz said that losing her parents made her realize “what reality is. Reality is not as easy as everybody thinks.” What are some of the other effects of loss of this dimension on an adolescent?

• Related Activities

1) Ask students to read and report on Divorced in America by Joseph Epstein, a highly personalized book about divorce, in which the author traces the breakdown of his own marriage, in addition to presenting a comprehensive overview of the social and moral issues raised by divorce (see bibliography).

2) Arrange a discussion between students and a panel of experts (lawyers, therapists and social workers) on the subject “Children of Divorce.” Topics to be included are legal rights, feelings, and coping strategies, lifestyle changes, personal adjustment. Each student should prepare six questions to ask the panel members.

3) Divide the class into three groups. Have each group of students produce a short play that dramatizes family conflict arising from a particular crisis. The personal crises might include the aftermath of a divorce; domestic violence; drug or alcohol addiction; or the death of a family member.

4) Have students discuss situations in their own homes that often result in conflict or crisis with other family members. Focus on methods they might use to resolve the conflicts before they reach the crisis point.

5) Ask students to keep a journal in which they detail their relationships with their parents and/or siblings during a ten-day period. They should write about any family crisis that might arise during this period, focusing on their responses to the problem. Alternatively, ask students to keep a journal in which they record their feelings as they recover from a personal loss; or they can take one of the stages described in Elizabeth Kubler-Ross’ On Death and Dying (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance), isolate it, and describe how they or someone they know felt about that phase of emotional recovery.

6) Ask students to write essays on how they would change their family if they had the power to do so. Call on volunteers to read their essays aloud. Encourage students to discuss problems common to several family situations.

7) Have students discuss the kind of family relationships they would like to have when they become adults: live alone; living with another person; having children; not having children. Encourage them to talk about their reasons for their choices.

8) Role play the following situations:

a. Sixteen year-old Molly has just been told that her parents are separating.

b. Fifteen-year-old Tommy meets his divorced father’s girlfriend for the first time.

c. Fourteen-year-old Jennifer tries to convince her mother to leave her abusive husband.

d. Sixteen-year-old Martin is an alcoholic. His eighteen-year-old sister, Nancy, is trying to convince him to get professional help.

e. Fifteen-year-old Jeremy has just found out that his mother has cancer and only has a short time to live. He’s talking to his younger brother and sister about the situation.

f. Fourteen-year-old Amy confides in her best friend, Beth, that her parents are getting a divorce. Amy’s feeling confused and frightened.

g. Sarah Lewis, a single mother with two teenage children, has just lost her job. She and her children talk about the changes they’re going to make in their lives over the next few months.

9) Ask students to select a television program that deals with family life and watch the series at least four times. Then have them write critiques of the show, focusing on its believability and the way in which it deals with family problems.